So if it’s so great, why is it that I wish I could sleep from about Nov 1-Jan 2? Just sleep straight through. I’ve been without a partner for a long time. Long story, for another time. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me too bad. Until fall hits. It's then I feel my singleness so acutely, it makes me ache. I ache to have someone to cuddle up next to at night to keep me warn. I ache to have someone to snuggle with on the couch in front of the fireplace. I ache to have someone to Christmas shop for and vice versa. I ache to have someone go to holiday parties with. I ache to have someone with me when I go to my parents who I can complain to the whole time and know that they love me enough to listen. This is the time that I want to hold hands with someone and be cheesy and ride those stupid horse drawn carriages. I want someone to put Christmas lights up outside for me. And maybe the biggest one of all, I ache to have someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. I never feel my aloneness has deeply as I do during fall and the holidays.
Now on Jan 2, I will feel differently. I will be happy that I can sleep in the middle of the bed and use all the covers. I will be happy I don’t have to pick up after anyone or feel guilty for not cooking. I will be happy I don’t have to put up with their family I don’t like or feel guilty if I want to spend more time with my family than with his. I will be happy that I don’t have to listen to him give his opinion on my son’s life choices. I will be happy I don’t have to listen to him chew his food or listen to him snore or listen to his boring stories. On Jan 2, I will go back to being almost completely fine with my relationship status.
But right now, it sucks. I know I’m not alone and part of me writing this blog is to let you know, if you’re finding yourself feeling the same way, you are not alone. And it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay to have a bit of pity party. It’s okay to want something you don’t have. It’s okay to stay on the couch for a day and watch those sappy Hallmark movies with a carton of ice cream and a bottle of wine. It’s okay. Feel what you’re feeling and do what you need to do. At the end of the day, though, know you’re important. And beautiful. And capable. And worthy. And smart. And amazing. And most of all, know that you got this and this too shall pass. You are magnificent.