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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year???

11/20/2017

Fall is great, isn’t it? The cooler temperatures, leaves changing, fires in the fireplace, football games, the holidays, parties, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, endless Christmas movies (that make me want to gauge my eyes out) on the Hallmark channel, turkey, green bean casserole, yadda, yadda, yadda…. And I realize I added some winter things in there but you get the point, they really just all meld together anyway.
So if it’s so great, why is it that I wish I could sleep from about Nov 1-Jan 2? Just sleep straight through. I’ve been without a partner for a long time. Long story, for another time. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me too bad. Until fall hits. It's then I feel my singleness so acutely, it makes me ache. I ache to have someone to cuddle up next to at night to keep me warn. I ache to have someone to snuggle with on the couch in front of the fireplace. I ache to have someone to Christmas shop for and vice versa. I ache to have someone go to holiday parties with. I ache to have someone with me when I go to my parents who I can complain to the whole time and know that they love me enough to listen. This is the time that I want to hold hands with someone and be cheesy and ride those stupid horse drawn carriages. I want someone to put Christmas lights up outside for me. And maybe the biggest one of all, I ache to have someone to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. I never feel my aloneness has deeply as I do during fall and the holidays.
Now on Jan 2, I will feel differently. I will be happy that I can sleep in the middle of the bed and use all the covers. I will be happy I don’t have to pick up after anyone or feel guilty for not cooking. I will be happy I don’t have to put up with their family I don’t like or feel guilty if I want to spend more time with my family than with his. I will be happy that I don’t have to listen to him give his opinion on my son’s life choices. I will be happy I don’t have to listen to him chew his food or listen to him snore or listen to his boring stories. On Jan 2, I will go back to being almost completely fine with my relationship status.
But right now, it sucks. I know I’m not alone and part of me writing this blog is to let you know, if you’re finding yourself feeling the same way, you are not alone. And it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s okay to have a bit of pity party. It’s okay to want something you don’t have. It’s okay to stay on the couch for a day and watch those sappy Hallmark movies with a carton of ice cream and a bottle of wine. It’s okay. Feel what you’re feeling and do what you need to do. At the end of the day, though, know you’re important. And beautiful. And capable. And worthy. And smart. And amazing. And most of all, know that you got this and this too shall pass. You are magnificent.

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#%$*&( Crossfit

8/21/2017

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I did it. I joined Crossfit. Holy shitballs of fire, you guys…..It is no joke. Like not even a little.
This is really not something I had ever planned to do. I’ve watched in awe as it has grown in popularity. I’ve watched athletes compete in the Crossfit Games and thought they were absolute badasses. However, it was just not something I ever saw myself doing. Me, being a non-athlete, it just looked incredibly difficult. As much as I like (maybe like is the wrong word) functioning outside of my comfort zone, Crossfit to me was not only outside of it but on a completely different planet. So, nope, I wasn’t going to do it. No way, no how.

And then enter my dear, dear friend and soul sister and her husband. He joined and is seeing awesome results. She also attended a couple of classes and decided she would go for it too. She started talking to me about it . “Girl, it will totally transform your body.” “you’re stronger than you think are” Since I am a sucker for compliments and people believing in me, I said “ok, ok I will do it too.”

I’m pretty sure that she knew I would do it when she said those nice things but that she also knew I would be a sweaty whiney mess during (well, after because during I’m trying not to puke) the WOD and she would have a reason to laugh at me.
I’m kidding (kinda). Last week was on-ramp. We learned some lifts, proper form and some CF basics. It was hard, not gonna lie. Part of me thought that the on-ramp would give me a good indication of how terrible the actually WOD’s would be…it didn’t.

It’s Thursday and I’ve gone twice this week. I HATE IT. Really….I hate it. This is a total mind-fuck for me. I put a ton of pressure on myself typically, no matter what it is I’m doing. But, having to finish a WOD in a certain amount of time and even worse, partnering with someone and knowing they are counting on me to not be a total wuss is way more pressure than I like when I’m working out. Seriously, I feel like I’m going to kill myself or projectile vomit all over the gym just trying to not be the worst one in the group. I hate to finish last….to not be the best or at least in the top few. Also, before going into this unknown world (CF), I really thought I was in pretty good shape…..uh yeah, no.

I will say this though, everyone has been incredibly encouraging. The trainers have been outstanding. I know this is a battle and a life lesson for me. I have to get out of my own head (as my dear friend and the one who convinced me to take on this special kind of torture also reminds me). And trust me, I get it, I do. The question becomes how? I guess it’s to keep showing up and putting in the work. Isn’t it crazy what self-talk can do to your performance? So, that’s what I will do. I will continue to show up. Work hard. Improve. Get Better. Swallow the bile. But make no mistake, I will still cuss and moan and groan because that’s all part of my charm………………

Gainz, Health and Love,
Sweet Snatch

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A reconnection, a trip, and a…..stuffed animal?

7/30/2017

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What I’m learning about dating and men is that it’s every bit as ridiculous now that I’m 41 as it was when I was 18. In my last blog, I mentioned that I thought 40 was going to be a magical age that brought about some awesome changes in my life. Relationships were one of those things that I thought would improve. Less games, more maturity, less insecurity, more meaningful interactions. LOL (I really do watch way too many romantic movies)
For the past year (14 months to be exact) I’ve been on a man detox. I was recovering from a shattered heart. My pattern is to jump into a new relationship way sooner than I should, thinking that would be what would heal me. This time, I was very purposeful in the fact I did not want to do that. To be honest, until just recently I didn’t want a relationship, the thought turned my stomach and I swore up and down that I would not be entering into a relationship ever again. In fact, I still am not sure if I want a long term relationship or just some short-term “fun”
Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend. I’ve known this person since I was 17. In fact, I was completely in love (the 17 year old kind) with him. With the connectivity of Facebook, we have stayed in contact through the years. Nothing big; liking or commenting on each others photos, wishing each other “happy birthday” Normal things you do with people you’ve had in your life for a long period of time. Anyway, I reached out to him about a random memory I had of us. Disclaimer, I did NOT do this in the hopes that he and I would strike up some sort of relationship. I really didn’t. It was totally innocent and not unlike something I’ve done with others, both male and female.
So, I send him a message. He replies right away. That strikes up a conversation. Getting caught up, etc. He tells me he didn’t know I was single. We talk about that. He then tells me that he’s always thought of me as the one who got away. Listen, if you’re reading this, you know that might make you feel a little good too. I mean it’s been over 20 years since we’ve seen each other so to think that he’s been, perhaps, thinking about me through the years was pretty flattering. Not to mention the fact my self-esteem has been in the shitter for over a year.
It felt good. Plus, there’s a lot of nostalgia that swept over me when we started talking. I immediately went back to thoughts of how he made me feel when I was 17. Thoughts of where I was in my life. Who I hung out with. Things I did. It’s funny that I can barely remember what I did yesterday but I can remember so clearly what I did 23 years ago; the excitement I felt; even what I was wearing when I almost lost my innocence to him.
We began to text and talk on the phone. Sometimes for several hours (which is something for me because I HATE talking on the phone for very long). He lives in a different state so we were trying to figure out when we could see each other. We had the talk about where this could go. I warned him I want to go very slow. Told him I’m still healing and I’m very guarded. He understood.
That said, I went to see him last week (just a few weeks after we reconnected).   While I realize I said I wanted to go slow, you must remember I’ve been on a man detox for over a year. I. Need. Affection. I don’t even care if that sound hoe-ish. It’s a fact. Sweet Snatch has needs, damn it.
The week leading up to seeing him, I really started to dread it. Even on the Wedensday before I was to fly out that Friday, I seriously thought about cancelling. But, I told myself I was just scared. Gun-shy. Guarded. A million other things.   I made the decision to just take the plunge.
So, I go. And it wasn’t that it was terrible….it wasn’t. It was just……Even now I can’t find the words. Without giving TMI, I can just say that Sweet Snatch still needs some loving. Kind of getting ahead of myself. He takes me to his place, he’s gotten me roses, champagne, my favorite candy and a……….stuffed animal. Yes, a stuffed animal.
Now I realize that it’s kinda sweet. But, I’m 41 years old and he did not win it for me at the county fair. It was just there, on his bed, looking at me. And what do you say about the fact there is a stuffed animal amidst a bed full of rose pedals?? I am not great at not letting everyone know what I’m thinking by just the look on my face. So I am trying hard to make my face look like “ahhhhh how sweet” while also trying to find the right thing to say without giggling a little bit. He says to me that he thought it was something I could cuddle with on the plane and then when I got back to my house. Again…..I’m 41.
We begin to make-out and all of those good things. I think “YES, my drought and man detox is about to end.” Sadly, it didn’t. And I get it. Nerves and all that. So, I initially didn’t think much of it. However, there was no attempt to try again the entire weekend………………..probably not the best sign.
The weekend was pretty uneventful. At one point, I looked at him and said “okay, this is comfortable, I think I can do this.” Then the thoughts were “this is the beginning of a potential relationship, there needs to be some sparks or fireworks, you shouldn’t be almost talking yourself into feeling something. Being comfortable without a spark should be for later in the relationship…like years later.” There really wasn’t any effort on his part to make me feel special. Never once did he open a door for me. The sweetness, chivalry, and passion one would expect at the beginning of a relationship just weren’t there.
The whole way home I replayed the weekend. The lack of intimacy (which of course I internalized because that’s what I do), what he said or didn’t say, the lack of butterflies, etc. I still am replaying it in my head. We haven’t really discussed it; just kind of swept it under the rug.
I thought dating at 40ish would be easier than this. I’m confident and happy with who I am. I don’t have those body insecurities I had when I was younger. I thought I would be past the “does he like me or not” bullshit. But maybe it doesn’t get easier; maybe we remain forever 16 with just more wrinkles, more life experience, and still way less answers when it comes to the opposite sex.
Is this really what dating is like at this stage? I’m not looking for someone to take care of me. I’ve got that mastered on my own, thankyouverymuch. What I am looking for is someone to laugh with, someone to have new experiences with, someone to lean on. I ache for an emotional connection with someone. I hate surface shit. HATE IT. I want to know what makes someone tick. I want to know their dark places.   What makes them happy. What’s on their bucket list. What has made them who they are….the list goes on.
Perhaps I need to stop watching romantic movies………..
Until the next time,
Health, Gainz and Love,
Sweet Snatch.

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The Things That Make Us....

7/26/2017

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I think we all have, at one time or another, thought there was some magical age. An age where life just dramatically changed for the better. I remember those ages for me were 13, 16, 18, and 21. After the age of 21, the magic of a certain age just wasn’t there any longer.
That is until I got to be 40. I haven’t talked to many people who were excited about turning 40. But for me, 40 was to be a turning point. A new chapter. A new beginning. A fresh start. It was the age that I was finally going to be able to be selfish, take care of my wants and needs above anyone else’s.
My 40th year was to bring about, what I was anticipating, an awakening. My son had graduated from high school two years prior. I was finally able to move to the city I had wanted to move to for years. Because my son had graduated, I no longer felt the need to stay in a loveless marriage. In so many ways, I was going to be able to start a completely new life. A life full of possibilities.
Then six months before that big day, I lost my job. I was completely shocked, devastated, angry, bitter….all those things that go with an unexpected job loss. On my 40th birthday, I was jobless, had gone through my savings, still married to a man I had been separated from for years and I would have to remain married to so I didn’t lose my health insurance.
It definitely was not the dreamy start I had anticipated. That 16 months of unemployment was devastating. I went through so many different emotions. My depression was the worst it had ever been. I got so much of my self-worth from excelling at my job so once that was gone, I wasn’t sure what my purpose was. My son was doing well but not having him in the same state with me added to my depression. Not to mention I lost a relationship that was incredibly important to me; and I lost it in the one of the cruelest ways possible.
But, during that 16 months, I grew as a person more so than I have at any time of my life. I read even more self-development books; highlighting and marking things that would help me or provide comfort to me. I worked on manifesting what I wanted and tried hard to focus less on my sadness. I worked out hard. I made some new, amazing, fierce and strong female friends. I took the time to do the hard work. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was terrible. It was uncomfortable. I saw things about myself that I could no longer deny. I had to get real with myself and who I was as a person. There were days that I couldn’t get out of bed. Times I would be in my bed, curled up in the fetal position and cry on and off for days. Times I really would have been fine had a meteor came and landed on my house and took me out. Overall I lost about 20 pounds along with a ton of hair.
I heard a saying once that said something like “time heals nothing, it’s what you do with that time that matters” I believe that. I am thankful for where I am today. I have a good job, with an awesome team and I feel more valued at work than I have in several years. Many of my relationships are stronger than they have ever been. My lady tribe has grown and I am so thankful for them. I have allowed myself to remove some toxic people from my life without feeling guilty about. I’m doing more things I want to do because I want to do them and turning down things when I don’t truly want to do them. And I’ve been able to ask people for help; that was huge for me.
And maybe the biggest change I’ve experienced during that time is that I have learned to really like myself. I no longer feel the need to make apologies to people for who I am. If you don’t like me, cool, we can go about our day. It’s not the end of the world. We don’t need to force something that’s not there. This is really huge for me and has taken me way outside of my comfort zone. And most of all, I have learned and finally believe that there is WAY more right with and about me than there is wrong. I’m awesome, all parts of me, the good and the not so good, they all make me who I am. And finally, that is just fine.
Love, Peace, and Gainz,
Sweet Snatch

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That DAMN scale!

1/18/2017

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This was me Saturday morning. I hate the scale, I really do. rarely weigh myself because I have a tendency to become obsessed with the numbers. In fact, when I go to the doctor, I stand backwards on the scale and pretty much threaten the nurse with death if she tells me the number. I’m serious. But while I'm doing my 30-day challenge I wanted to be able to share my results with others even though my goal isn’t to release a bunch of weight. If you remember from my previous blog, my goal for this 30 day challenge is to greatly reduce, if not completely eliminate, my love affair with sugar.
I woke up Saturday feeling and looking bloated. I didn't want to step on the scale and see that number but since it was the start of my two day cleanse I knew I had to. And lo and behold, when I did, I was up 4 pounds. I was ticked. And embarrassed. I didn't want to share with everyone that I had gained. In fact, I was so ticked on Saturday that I thought about that damn number all.day.long. It’s probably a good thing I live alone as I would not have been fun to be around.
As the day went on, I started to think about what I would tell any of my friends if the situation was reversed. Would I berate them? Would I lecture them? Would I make them feel like a total failure because of a stupid number on the scale? OF COURSE NOT. In fact, I would do the exact opposite. I would remind them of that they are not defined by a number. I would remind them of how amazing they are and how well they are doing. I would be gentle and kind. Am I not worth the same? Yes! You bet your sweet bippy I am!
And here's the thing....weight fluctuates for lots of different reasons. I know that the week before I had done pretty well with my eating. Not perfect but pretty good. I have been trying to focus on my my macros and making sure I'm getting enough of everything. Maybe I miscalculated so I will be adjusting this week.
Who can say definitively why I gained those 4 pounds this week? I can’t and really it doesn’t matter. What matters is I finished my two-day cleanse with a victory. This time the cleanse was easier for some reason. What matters is my cravings are reduced. What matters is I'm sleeping really well. What matters is my energy is up. And what matters the most is that I remembered I am so much more than a number on the scale. I am quite awesome regardless if that number is up by 4 or 40. The goal is and will always be to be healthy and strong and the very best version of myself.
In case you’re wondering, I did lose that 4 pounds at the end of my two-day cleanse and the bloat is gone. I am anxious and excited to see what week 3 does for me! This is a journey. Not a diet. A lifestyle change not a temporary fix. I and you are not defined by a number on the scale. Remember that! Take care of the inside, fuel your body with what it needs and the rest will take care of itself. And above all, remember to love yourself every bit as much as you love the people in your inner circle.
Until next time!
Health, Gainz and Love,
Sweet Snatch

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You say Snatch like it's a bad thing!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year???

#%$*&( Crossfit

A reconnection, a trip, and a…..stuffed animal?

The Things That Make Us....

That DAMN scale!

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