For the past year (14 months to be exact) I’ve been on a man detox. I was recovering from a shattered heart. My pattern is to jump into a new relationship way sooner than I should, thinking that would be what would heal me. This time, I was very purposeful in the fact I did not want to do that. To be honest, until just recently I didn’t want a relationship, the thought turned my stomach and I swore up and down that I would not be entering into a relationship ever again. In fact, I still am not sure if I want a long term relationship or just some short-term “fun”
Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend. I’ve known this person since I was 17. In fact, I was completely in love (the 17 year old kind) with him. With the connectivity of Facebook, we have stayed in contact through the years. Nothing big; liking or commenting on each others photos, wishing each other “happy birthday” Normal things you do with people you’ve had in your life for a long period of time. Anyway, I reached out to him about a random memory I had of us. Disclaimer, I did NOT do this in the hopes that he and I would strike up some sort of relationship. I really didn’t. It was totally innocent and not unlike something I’ve done with others, both male and female.
So, I send him a message. He replies right away. That strikes up a conversation. Getting caught up, etc. He tells me he didn’t know I was single. We talk about that. He then tells me that he’s always thought of me as the one who got away. Listen, if you’re reading this, you know that might make you feel a little good too. I mean it’s been over 20 years since we’ve seen each other so to think that he’s been, perhaps, thinking about me through the years was pretty flattering. Not to mention the fact my self-esteem has been in the shitter for over a year.
It felt good. Plus, there’s a lot of nostalgia that swept over me when we started talking. I immediately went back to thoughts of how he made me feel when I was 17. Thoughts of where I was in my life. Who I hung out with. Things I did. It’s funny that I can barely remember what I did yesterday but I can remember so clearly what I did 23 years ago; the excitement I felt; even what I was wearing when I almost lost my innocence to him.
We began to text and talk on the phone. Sometimes for several hours (which is something for me because I HATE talking on the phone for very long). He lives in a different state so we were trying to figure out when we could see each other. We had the talk about where this could go. I warned him I want to go very slow. Told him I’m still healing and I’m very guarded. He understood.
That said, I went to see him last week (just a few weeks after we reconnected). While I realize I said I wanted to go slow, you must remember I’ve been on a man detox for over a year. I. Need. Affection. I don’t even care if that sound hoe-ish. It’s a fact. Sweet Snatch has needs, damn it.
The week leading up to seeing him, I really started to dread it. Even on the Wedensday before I was to fly out that Friday, I seriously thought about cancelling. But, I told myself I was just scared. Gun-shy. Guarded. A million other things. I made the decision to just take the plunge.
So, I go. And it wasn’t that it was terrible….it wasn’t. It was just……Even now I can’t find the words. Without giving TMI, I can just say that Sweet Snatch still needs some loving. Kind of getting ahead of myself. He takes me to his place, he’s gotten me roses, champagne, my favorite candy and a……….stuffed animal. Yes, a stuffed animal.
Now I realize that it’s kinda sweet. But, I’m 41 years old and he did not win it for me at the county fair. It was just there, on his bed, looking at me. And what do you say about the fact there is a stuffed animal amidst a bed full of rose pedals?? I am not great at not letting everyone know what I’m thinking by just the look on my face. So I am trying hard to make my face look like “ahhhhh how sweet” while also trying to find the right thing to say without giggling a little bit. He says to me that he thought it was something I could cuddle with on the plane and then when I got back to my house. Again…..I’m 41.
We begin to make-out and all of those good things. I think “YES, my drought and man detox is about to end.” Sadly, it didn’t. And I get it. Nerves and all that. So, I initially didn’t think much of it. However, there was no attempt to try again the entire weekend………………..probably not the best sign.
The weekend was pretty uneventful. At one point, I looked at him and said “okay, this is comfortable, I think I can do this.” Then the thoughts were “this is the beginning of a potential relationship, there needs to be some sparks or fireworks, you shouldn’t be almost talking yourself into feeling something. Being comfortable without a spark should be for later in the relationship…like years later.” There really wasn’t any effort on his part to make me feel special. Never once did he open a door for me. The sweetness, chivalry, and passion one would expect at the beginning of a relationship just weren’t there.
The whole way home I replayed the weekend. The lack of intimacy (which of course I internalized because that’s what I do), what he said or didn’t say, the lack of butterflies, etc. I still am replaying it in my head. We haven’t really discussed it; just kind of swept it under the rug.
I thought dating at 40ish would be easier than this. I’m confident and happy with who I am. I don’t have those body insecurities I had when I was younger. I thought I would be past the “does he like me or not” bullshit. But maybe it doesn’t get easier; maybe we remain forever 16 with just more wrinkles, more life experience, and still way less answers when it comes to the opposite sex.
Is this really what dating is like at this stage? I’m not looking for someone to take care of me. I’ve got that mastered on my own, thankyouverymuch. What I am looking for is someone to laugh with, someone to have new experiences with, someone to lean on. I ache for an emotional connection with someone. I hate surface shit. HATE IT. I want to know what makes someone tick. I want to know their dark places. What makes them happy. What’s on their bucket list. What has made them who they are….the list goes on.
Perhaps I need to stop watching romantic movies………..
Until the next time,
Health, Gainz and Love,